The Chase

*(Originally published in 2017)--edited for clarity and republished in 2023*

I am going through withdrawals. The sweating, the aching, the fatigue--- the misery.

I'm physically exhausted. Mentally drained. I am ready to stop using pills, and when I can't find them—heroin.

This addiction is killing my health, my relationships, and my pocketbook. All the money I scrape together is gone once I meet the dope man. All of my dreams, hopes, and determination to quit are all gone once my dealer says that he can meet me. I call him up, he says he will see me in 20 minutes. 

I drive to "The Spot"-- a busy parking lot, a trap house, a park. I wait in the corner of property.

20 minutes comes-and-goes, then another 20 minutes, then an hour.
​
A cop cruises by, and my mind wanders to consequences of getting caught. I think about the jail time, the legal fees, the public humiliation-- my children being without their parent.
​
"What the hell am I doing?" I say to myself, "Why would I put myself, my family, my friends through this?" The closer the person was to me, the worse I burned them. I begged, pleaded, lied, and stole to get the money for my next fix.

That's how I got enough to reup today.

I try to cover for myself. "I'm just enjoying my life. My emotions are unmanageable without drugs. They make me a better worker and a better Dad,” I tell myself. I repeat it again-and-again as if to convince myself of the lies. 

"But, do they? What part of my life am I actually happy about? If I am honest, how do the  drugs contribute positively to my life at all?" I ask myself. "I'm always financially broke, I'm stuck in a toxic relationship, my emotions completely dictate my actions, I duck out of important family events once my addiction needs feeding, I've replaced real friends with drug use enablers."

 I realize, "My entire life revolves around scoring, using, or hustling up money to buy  drugs."

Damn.

I used to have interests, hobbies, and goals. But now, I barely recognize the person I’ve become. Although, some part of me still knows the better version of myself is still inside--- not totally lost.

It hits me. "Why do I do it, why am I here buying dope?" I plead to myself, "Because I can't stop now." I don't even know how to stop.

"I'll quit tomorrow, or at the end of the week, or at the end of the month...I just need one more time,” I resolve to myself---forgetting that I've been through this rationalization a thousand times.

Now, I am so addicted that I only use to feel normal. What started as innocent fun when I was twelve and drinking beers has become a way of life as I got older.

Was it the prescribing after that injury at work, or the car accident, or was it just Grandma's medicine cabinet that set me down this path? Whatever the path was, it has led me to this dead end.

It's been two hours. "Where the hell is he? Doesn't he know that I need it?" 

Of course he knows. That's why he is willing to let me sit here for hours. He knows that I will wait. And wait. And wait.

​You know what? I'm done. I'm tired of the sickness, the poverty, the waiting on a dealer to wake up, the fear of being caught by the police, the lying, the cheating, the criminal mindset. I'm going to tell my dealer not to come. I'm done.

Just as I pick up my phone to text--my dealer pulls into the parking lot.

"You know what," I think to myself, "l'll quit tomorrow."

​END

If you or someone you know is struggling with opioid addiction, substance use disorder, or wants to continue in a suboxone medication assisted therapy program in Tennessee--please have them reach out to (615) 766-8081(Option #1), send us a message, or reach out to Tennessee Red Line for referral services.

An Insured Recovery operates both an in person, outpatient Suboxone program and an online, virtual, and Telehealth Suboxone program. We have an addictionologist, psychiatrist, physicians, APRNs, and case managers who can help navigate issues related to opioid abuse, depression, ADD/ADHD, or anxiety. 

Our online Suboxone program and doctors service the entire state of Tennessee—whether you are in Memphis, Union City, Clarksville, Nashville, Manchester, Chattanooga, Cookeville, Knoxville, Johnson City, or anywhere-in-between. 

You don't have to suffer in silence; help is available. You don’t have to live this way; your best self is waiting for you. It would be our pleasure to help you find it.